February 20, 2009

Hey friends,
This message is for you two only, at this point...

Yesterday was such a difficult day. Tears are still so close to the surface even as I type this. The Inspector's office was very kind and positive. They had to read the rule book as they filled out papers, and stuff (and no I am not kidding), but they did everything they knew to do and were thankful that we were adopting Misha.

We got to the internot and the director was very kind and happy we were there. It's obvious they want to help us.

We were not prepared for the facts, though.
This institution is for "kids" ages 6 through 25. There are 82 "kids" there right now with all levels of disability. We walked into the building where Misha was and I was literally having to hold the vomit back. The smell was unbelievable. The place, was amazingly clean, however.

They took us to Misha, who was surrounded by other kids. He looked so small and he was terrified of everything....especially the man who works directly under the director. He was saying over and over, "I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared..." We asked George what he was saying and told us. The director guy told us, "Oh he says that about everything." Ummm...no he didn't. He is afraid of men. He is afraid of several of the kids. He would point at certain ones and say "I'm scared." Then grab on to us with a death grip around the neck, as if to say, "please protect me."

They took us to a room to play with him. The adults came in and out, though. Every time they did, he screamed and said, "i'm scared."

Our visit was the total antithesis of our visit the day before with Matthew. Micah, in the months since October when he was transfered has become a terrified little boy. At one point, he went out into the hall with our backpack, pointed at the door, motioned for us to come. He did this several more times. He wanted us to leave, and take him with us. We are certain that is what he was doing.

Near the end of our visit, he made his way out of the room we were in and looked out the front door. The director man came down the walk and he began screaming "I'm scared." at the top of his voice and running, crying "mama, mama" jumped in Mary's arms and was shaking uncontrollably, pointing at the man and saying "I'm scared, I'm scared." But don't worry, he says that about everything.

Now some positive things about the visit...
He already calls us mama and papa. He is VERY SMART. He can say several words. He can use the potty by himself (he wears underwear, not diapers). He seems to like us. He gives great hugs. He can dress himself. He eats with a spoon. Under the scared boy who is acting out in the only way he knows how, is a sweet boy who needs a mama & papa to protect and love him.

We aren't sharing these feelings of yesterday with anyone right now, because we are still processing them (although we spilled our guts to John & Tracie last night and it turns out we are not horrible, uncaring people after all. Or at least if we are, they are too. :-) ).
After he left the room, we were broken. The tears flowed freely. We prayed and just told God how we were feeling. At that moment, we couldn't imagine going home with both boys. We couldn't imagine bringing Micah into our family...it didn't seem fair to our kids that we already have. Satan was attacking at every hand. We kept asking ourselves, could we have made a colossal mistake? What were we thinking?

So we got into the car to come back to Novograd. George had told us that we would likely have all the paperwork we needed when we left yesterday. Well, we got in the car and he told us the following:

we did not have the papers. we are the first adoption ever from Romaniv. they don't know what to do, who to ask, or even what the first step is. it could be days, or weeks before we get approval. (they want to give it to us, but don't know how).
the big boss over the region may say no because Micah is an invalid (uh, no he's not) and he won't want the rest of the world to know that there are people like this in Ukraine. it will bring shame. (i'm not kidding...this is what was said)
then, you will remember that we had no papers for Matthew, then we did... well, george, after dropping the bomb about Micah, said that there was another problem with Matthew. as of now, he no longer has orphan status because of the whole father thing. the father had not signed off his rights...only the mother had. (just a documentation problem). it could take 1 - 2 months to find him, get a trial to remove rights and regain orphan status.
We were already as low as we thought we could be before this. I can't describe where we were then. We went to notary to get papers done for Micah (which we honestly weren't sure we wanted to do) then on to see Matthew (which was a struggle because we might be leaving without him). Ugh. God gave Mary a passage of scripture to hold on to (Isaiah 40). We read it, cried a little, then brushed ourselves off and went on.

Talking to John and Tracie helped a lot. We spilled all our feelings and they recounted that they had been through the exact things emotionally. We didn't feel quite so despicable then.

We told our friend in Brovary (the american missionary) and she prayed for us on the phone and we went to bed. After we prayed together I reminded Mary that things were going to look different in the morning. It was simply an overwhelming day (understatement) and we were physically, emotionally, and spiritually on OVERLOAD.

Today. (Friday)
We went to see Micah again today. We met with Inspector and Director. They are so happy to help us with papers. They are excited to have the first international adoption in Romaniv. :-) So excited, in fact that they refuse to allow the case to move to Novograd and be combined with Matthew. Thankfully, Ludmilla in Novograd has plenty of adoptions and willingly will allow Mattie's case to combine in Romaniv. :-)

We got to the room to play with Micah. The building was quiet today. No other adults around except us and the ONE care taker. She brought him too us. He said "mama, papa", ran to Mary and jumped into her arms. No mention of being scared. (that's strange, I thought he said that about everything).

We had a wonderful visit. We fed him banana and crackers. He wanted a bite (took it gently, ate it and waited patiently). It was so sweet because he took a bite, insisted that mama and papa had a bite between his. Took my breath away. He was so sweet and gentle. He got a little too excited about the crackers (they are kind of like animal crackers...a tiny bit sweet), but was still in control.

We watched miss patty cake, clapped and sang together. He put his coat on, put on his own gloves (it fits perfectly...yea!!). We went outside for just a moment. He was cold, said he wanted to go inside so we did. We spent about an hour and half with him. We had such a wonderful visit. Thank you God. At the end of the visit we agreed that he would fit in nicely with our family. (it's not like we would have really left him there...that was not an option in our hearts...just our minds were on OVERLOAD).

We got in the car. Still no papers, but George is on his way to Kiev to get some sample court cases so they know how to fill out paper work and the court will know how to proceed. They are so proud to be doing the first international adoption! He said we should have those papers done by Monday afternoon (we'll go to Romaniv one more time Monday). Then he said, "oh, by the way, the father has been found and has gone to the notary and we have the paper ready that we need for father's abandonment." Ummmm...what did he just say? Mary asked him, "you mean about Matthew? we have the papers we need???" He said yes, I just have to go to Zhytomyr now and pick them up. Will you pay for a taxi so I can go get them? Uh, YES! The staff at orphanage and inspectors office are ready and willing to do papers immediately with the release about the father. So Monday afternoon we'll have all those done too. Lord willing. Then can file for court date and they (in Romaniv) have said they are willing to hurry. (Yes, I know that all this could change tomorrow and I know that "hurry" in Ukraine doesn't necessarily mean "hurry" but what a difference a day makes and what a difference faith in God makes).

We're on our own for the weekend. We'll visit Mattie tonight, eat dinner with the Loux's, play some cards with them...generally decompress a bit. SLEEP LATE tomorrow, see Mattie twice. Go to church Sunday morning, visit Mattie and start again Monday. :-)

Unexpected Expense

It's hard to believe that with only 8 days before we leave for Ukraine that we found out today (kind of by accident) that we had an additional $2,900 in fees that we will have to pay because Misha is in another region in Ukraine.  My initial response was disbelief.  $3,000 is a big chunk of change and that I could have missed it in our paperwork was hard to believe.  When we would have first read all that stuff, we weren't planning on going to two separate regions so I'm sure I just skimmed right by it.

My next response was how can we do this?  How can we go to Ukraine not really knowing how much money we are going to need?  Then I remembered all that God had done for us and His amazing provision for us.  I'm sorry Lord to be such a doubter.  You do amazing things then I wonder if You can really handle this whole thing.  Please forgive me.  I feel like Israel after you rescued them from Egypt.  I believe You, but please help my unbelief.  

So many things have happened along this journey since we began it at the end of August 2008.  Very high, highs and very low, lows.  We've experienced God's hand of provision in ways we never have before and may never again.  We've seen His hand more clearly than any other time in our lives.  Our kids have grown closer to Him.  We've grown closer to Him.  Our faith has become stronger.

So all that to say...God, I trust You.  We're going to Ukraine in 8 days without a place to stay, without knowing really how much money we need and without even knowing for sure who we will adopt.  Lead...we'll follow.  Speak...we're listening.  

When I think about seeing those two little guys for the first time, my eyes tear up now.  When I look that the pictures, my heart leaps...my sons.  That I will be a daddy again fills me with joy that I can't explain.  I never expected it.  I never dreamed it could happen.  When I see them in real life, I hope I can contain my emotions (at least a little bit).  I don't know how the orphanage workers would react if I melt into sobs (i.e. the "ugly cry"). 

8 days.  Boys, we're coming for you and we love you.  We'll protect you and we'll rescue you.

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